Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here. I think about the future and what I want out of life but then the doubt creeps in. What happens if I don’t get into law school? Everything I’ve been doing has been to help me on that specific path. It’s all been so that I don’t get that letter in the mail that says, “We regret to inform you that…” It’s all to avoid the feeling that I got three times before. It’s to make sure that I don’t have to face telling people that I didn’t get in, that I wasn’t good enough to do what I truly want to do. The more I think about, the more terrified I get. At that point, my entire motivation and driving force for taking classes I don’t like and doing tasks that won’t help me, will be crushed. Gone. I think part of why I’m so scared is because I already know how that feels. I know how badly it stings. Luckily, one school said, “we believe in you and would be happy to accept you.” But what if that doesn’t happen again? Then what?
I know I have a long way to go and maybe I shouldn’t worry about all of this right now, but maybe I should. Regardless of whether or not I should worry about it, I do. I worry about it everyday, with every essay I write and every chapter I read. So now what? It’s not like this is just a small fear that I can easily face and get over. This is my life! This is my future. I’m not the only one who will be affected by this. Whatever man I am with will be affected, my future children, my vision of the future. All of this will be affected by this goal, so what if it doesn’t come to fruition?
And on a side note, to anyone who has ever made anyone feel inadequate, especially intentionally, how dare you! You have no right to do so and you have no idea how long you will affect them.