Lately I’ve started to believe that college is put into place to discourage me, and people like me, from doing anything with my life at all. I no longer feel like I’m good at anything. I don’t feel like my goals are attainable or that I’ll be successful in doing what I want to do. And then I start to question what it is that I even think I want to do. I don’t know if what I’m doing is going to be worth it in the end. This is the first time in my life when I feel like school, or even life is a battle. A battle that I’m losing. My knuckles are bruised, my confidence is dropping and to my surprise, so are the tears.
I was sitting in an upper division English class trying so hard to focus on what the professor was saying. Trying to interpret the words coming out of his mouth and transfer them to a notebook and then suddenly I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wasn’t expecting it. I had been on the verge of a breakdown all day but refused to allow it. So I quickly wiped it away and then another one rolled down the other cheek. I wiped that one away and told myself to pull it together. I may have been able to stop the tears but I still couldn’t stop my brain. And that just made it worse. I am my harshest critic.
There comes a time when you need to just “man up” right? Stop crying every time you get upset. But that’s the thing, I try my hardest to be strong enough to handle things myself. That’s how I learned to survive the tougher times in my life. I’m lucky now to have people in my life that care about me and allow me to be vulnerable, but sometimes I still can’t allow it myself.
These thoughts and the couple of tears I had were put on hold as I watch the birth of my third nephew. It was a beautiful distraction that I had hoped would inspire me more or help believe more in myself or in the world around me. I looked down at the precious new life in my arms and I thought not only about his future and hoped he would never feel the way I did, but I also thought about what it would be like to hold my own baby somewhere down the road. And then again I started to question my whole purpose in college and the reasons for what I’m doing. In today’s society, we only recognize the best of the best. And while they should be recognized, what about those people who do their own personal best but aren’t deemed as the best? Because that’s my problem, I’m not the best at anything but I’m trying. And yet, I still feel like I’m getting no where. It’s an uphill batttle and I’m just tired of it. So what do I do? Where can I go from here? Who will help me up off the ground if I fall? What if it’s too late? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m tired of my best not being good enough. I’m just tired.