I should start by saying thank you to Taylor Swift for the inspiration of this writing. Now I don’t want to scare any of you away by saying that, it was just a simple line in one of her new songs. From the song “Begin Again,” the line is “What’s past is past.” This got me thinking, because last week a friend of mine said “Why don’t you just get over it already?” And I admit that I got a little bit offended because he knew what situation I was talking about. But in Taylor Swift’s song she progresses through the story of how she believed that love was only meant to break and then she slowly starts to open up and see it “begin again.” And I could relate to that entirely.
When I think about my past, part of me wants to take on the idea of “that’s life.” But the other part of me wants to say, “that’s still doesn’t mean it’s okay.” And I think about all the friends that I’ve lost over time and I realize that while losing those friends hurt me at the time, that helped to shape me and allowed for me to recognize who true friends were and who would continue to be there for me for the rest of my life.
And then there are the males in my life that have hurt me. There are two that have truly broken me down. And one that tried his best.
And I will preface these stories by saying, I don’t hate them. For one, I wish him well and I hope he can find the happiness in life that he is desperately searching for. And the others, well I just don’t really care what happens to them. If that makes me heartless then blame them, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s apathy.
So here it goes, for those who care. Or those who don’t know the story, or haven’t heard it explained by me but have only seen how it affected me.
To the one that just straight up used me, I still just wonder why. You had the opportunity to come clean so many times. You had the opportunity to end it once you got what you wanted. You had the opportunity to make things right. You had the chance to end up being the good guy, but you didn’t take any of those opportunities. You knew that I was starting to have feelings for you. And you used it to your advantage. And everyone could see it but me. At one point I wanted revenge, and in a way I got it. I made everyone aware of how awful you were and I tarnished your perfect reputation. And it was validating, but it also proved that I was still the fool. And it brought me down to a level that I hardly ever stoop to. People always ask me, “What’s your biggest regret in life?” And the honest answer is “I try not to regret anything because even if I make a mistake I learn from it and it shapes me into who I am.” But for some people, that answer isn’t acceptable. And then I say, “Well there was one time when I knew I was making the wrong decision but I did it anyway and as soon as I got alone, I broke down. I vowed that I would never let myself do that again.
And then there was the one who I wish happiness for. You and I are like Ross and Rachel. We kept trying and trying and everyone got sick of it and got sick of hearing about it. And finally you did too. And honestly, that’s all I want to say about that. I don’t want to go over the words over and over again. I wish you well.
And as for the one who tried to hurt me, you’re just a dick. I know you have your reasons as to why you treat women the way you do, some of us may never know. But I’m just glad that I had my guard up. That’s probably what saved me.
So when Taylor Swift sings, “What’s past is past” I agree. But, when someone says, “Why don’t you just get over it?” I resist. And I want to say, I’m over the fact that I was hurt and used, I’m not the only one who has been through that and I learned from it. But I question, should we ever or do we ever get over something that has made us who we are? If it changed us as a person, why should we allow ourselves to forget about it? Forgiveness, yes. I have forgiven each and every one of them. But I won’t allow myself to forget about it, or get over it. Because that could very possibly bring back the naivety that led to those events in the first place. It helped me get to the point where I am today. It’s the reason that I appreciate the relationship I am in so much. It’s the reason I don’t take my wonderful boyfriend for granted and do everything in my power to make sure this lasts. So no, I won’t get over it. I’ve moved on, but have not “gotten over it.” I wouldn’t change anything. To quote my favorite artist, P!nk, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.”