Overthinking has been the bane of my existence since I learned that I was doing it. And my past has affected my present more than I would like to admit. And when those two collide, my head starts to spin. And the one person who can calm me down is the one who scares me the most.
No matter how amazing my relationship is, I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of it ending. No matter how much he reassures me, there’s always a little negative voice inside my head. The voice that says, “Don’t plan for Valentine’s Day, you’ll jinx it.” The voice that says, “Hey this is about the time when that other guy broke it off.” The little voice that says, “Why do you think this one is going to stay?” No matter how different the relationships are, that voice, the voice of all the guys that made me feel like I wasn’t enough, the voice of all those who used me, made me question my worth or otherwise made me feel alone, will always be there. The voice of my past.
On days when I’m feeling particularly strong or loved, that voice is easily quieted. On the bad days, that voice is all I hear. In the past, every time I allowed myself to stop thinking negatively, or let go of that voice completely, something happens. I let my guard down and then I fall. And then the voice is even stronger and it screams that I should have known better.
I hate that all those idiots I was with before this have no idea how deeply they’ve affected me to this very day. I’m so scared of losing what I have now that I manifest these scenarios in my mind that don’t exist and I worry about things that I have no control over. By trying so hard to hold on to something, I inadvertently drive it away. Like a handful of sand. Just please bear with me. Especially while I have my guard down. You’ve already seen more of me than anyone else. You are the only person I have ever compared to my daddy. You have no idea how huge that is. So please stay.
To anyone still reading this far, you have no idea how profoundly you can affect someone. Be careful with your words, they are very powerful weapons.