Today I thought about letting a car hit me just so that I could have a break from school and work. Now calm down, I’m not suicidal or depressed by any means, I’m just stressed. I didn’t want to get killed by the car or horribly disfigured but just break a leg or something, again just so I can have a minute to breathe.
I keep making stupid mistakes regarding my schoolwork and while one mistake is fine, they keep adding up and turning into bigger mistakes. And I know I’m better than this. And that’s the hardest part to admit.
My journey seems endless at this point and my ultimate destination feels like it’s slipping through my fingers. It feels like it’s getting farther and farther away everyday and that is not something I’m prepared to deal with.
I take full responsibility for everything in my life that I have control of and I know that people have it harder or do more than me or have better excuses, more worries, etc. I get that, but why should that lessen mine? People have things a lot better than me too but that doesn’t make my happiness any less valid or deserved.
I just wish that there was more encouragement in college. I understand that that’s generally not how the real world works, but how hard would it be for a professor to say, “I know you guys are working hard, keep it up and it will pay off.” They stand in front of the class and assign papers and readings and act like cold, emotionless, robots instead of human beings and I think that too often they forget what it’s like to be a student. Oh well right? I am a very self motivated person but eventually that runs out, and I need some sort of outside reinforcement.
All I can do now is put on my favorite pair of shoes for confidence, make sure my laptop is charged and try my best to keep those tears from falling. At least until I’m done with all the work I have to do.