Day Five: That was rough

Day one: Your current relationship; If single, discuss how single life is

I am in the best relationship of my life.  I have had some really terrible relationships and romantic situations but now I still cannot understand how I got this lucky. I never thought that I would be one of those girls that posts couple pictures and writes about how in love I am and what not but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t imagine my life without him. And as much as that scares me, that excites me and makes the future that more interesting. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know and never gives up on me.  I could go on forever about my relationship and my boyfriend but I will save that for a different day!

Day two: Where you’d like to be in ten years

This question has been getting more and more complicated lately and I don’t necessarily like that. In ten years I’ll be 30 years old. I would really like to be married at that point, preferably to my current boyfriend Alex. Hopefully I have at least one child, maybe two depending on how long I’ve been married at that point. I want to say that I’ll be a successful lawyer at that point but I just don’t know anymore. There’s too many “What ifs” and unknowns in that scenario that are very unsettling. So what if I’m not a lawyer? Then I have few options with an English degree. Who knows? As long as I have my loved ones surrounding me though, I’m sure I’ll be happy.

Day three: Your views on drugs and alcohol

I hate drugs. I am not crazy about alcohol but I don’t judge people who like it. I’ve seen drugs ruin people and ruin good things. The truth is, both of these things are just numbing devices. And everyone has a drug or alcohol. Some are just better for your health. For some people it’s drugs or alcohol, for some it’s sex. For some it’s self-harming, for others it’s work. Regardless we all have something that we do to forget about the undesirable parts of life. For me, it’s writing, baking and sleeping (when I can). And occasionally shopping. So while I am not a person who drinks on a regular basis, I understand those who do.  And while I know that drug addiction is a sickness, I just do not want any part of that. I have my reasons, please don’t judge me for what I believe without knowing those reasons.

Day four: Your views on religion

I used to say my prayers every night. And then I got really depressed and really hated the idea of religion. I mean, I don’t judge people for their beliefs as long as they don’t try to shove it down my throat. Whatever gets you through the day right? But I would like to believe that there is some kind of higher being, or some kind of afterlife. I mean, there has to be right? I’m not going to live my whole life by a book that was written centuries ago. One thing that has always bothered me are people who claim to be “good Christians” or religious people or whatever but treat other people like shit and use the justification of “Only God can judge me.” I don’t care who is judging you, or what religion you are, you have no right to treat people like that. I have no real concrete views on God or heaven or hell or sins. Mainly because I, like all people have been through some tough times. But I am also a very lucky person. I just do not necessarily understand why one single being has control of everyone’s destiny.

On a different note, the country song “God Gave Me You” rings true in my ears at this point in my life. I don’t know who or what gave me you, but I’m sure glad I have you now.

Day five: A time you thought about ending your own life

Well who doesn’t want to talk about this topic? Me. But that is why this is called a challenge. Here goes. I battled depression from 8th grade to my sophomore year in high school. I debated over whether or not to use the word “battled” but that truly seems like the only appropriate word. I was basically battling with myself and the world. To be depressed, is to walk around in a world where everyone sees colors except for you. To be depressed is to wish that when you wake up in the morning, that it was all a terrible dream, because this couldn’t possibly be your life. At my lowest point I wrote these words in my journal: “I’m asking my lungs what they’re doing and asking my heart to stop. To take make me fall asleep or to make me feel alive again.” To this day, those words can still bring tears to my eyes. To be depressed is to feel painfully numb. To be depressed is to feel as if you are a walking scar, just hoping that someone will stop and help you, throw you a bandage or even just ask what’s wrong; that you would tell them, but it just helps knowing that they care or notice. You want to smile, and sometimes you do. But that’s a lie. Nobody wants to commit suicide. They just want their pain to stop. And they only see one way out. 

There is more than one way out. And I know everyone will tell you that “it gets better” and I know how hard it is to believe that. But it is true. It does get better. You can get through this and you can make sure that you never get that low again. Trust me. Trust yourself. And then learn to trust others. I am here for you. I love you. And you deserve to be here. 

Day six: 30 interesting facts about yourself

Day seven: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality

Day eight: A moment you felt most satisfied with your life

Day nine: How you how your future will be

Day ten: Discuss your first love and first kiss

Day eleven: Put your iPod on shuffle and write down the first 10 songs that pop up

Day twelve: Bullet your whole day

Day thirteen: Somewhere you’d like to move or visit

Day fourteen: Your earliest memory

Day fifteen: Your favorite blogs

Day sixteen: Your views on music

Day seventeen: Your highs and lows of the past year

Day eighteen: Your beliefs

Day nineteen: Disrespecting your parents

Day twenty: How important you think education is

Day twenty-one: One of your favorite shows

Day twenty-two: How have you changed in the past two years? 

Day twenty-three: Give pictures of five famous guys you find attractive

Day twenty-four: Your favorite movie and what it’s about

Day twenty-five: Someone who fascinates you and why

Day twenty-six: What kind of person attracts you?

Day twenty-seven: A problem that you have had

Day twenty-eight: Something that you miss

Day twenty-nine: Goals for the next 30 days

Day thirty: Your highs and lows of this month 

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One thought on “Day Five: That was rough

  1. Pingback: Two years already?? | Confessions of a Pre-Law Student

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