I’ve never been so nervous about opening my emails until this week. I knew I would get my LSAT score sent to me via email sometime this week. Every time I saw the red dot on my phone with the number of unread emails in my inbox, I bravely opened it. And most of the time it was junk or unimportant. Until this afternoon. The subject line read: “Your June 2014 LSAT Score.” Immediately my hands started shaking, my heart started racing and my brain was going a million miles a minute. I had my sister and my parents around me, we sat on the porch and I opened it.
And my biggest fear came to life. I’ve felt this way before; just not quite good enough. After reading the score I started having flashbacks. Starting with the first conversation I had with my Constitutional Law teacher in high school. And then to every other decision and little accomplishment I have made since. All with the plan in mind. All of that just seems like a waste now.
I held in the emotion pretty well until my dad came over and gave me a hug. And then I could feel the tears coming faster and faster. And feel my heart breaking more and more. And it felt as though someone was holding my dreams in front of me and letting them shatter to the ground with maniacal laughter in the background.
I’ve grown to accept that most people will always let you down. That expectations tend to lead to disappointments and that sometimes, the only person you can really count on is yourself. But today, I let myself down. I disappointed myself. And I don’t know how to accept that. Maybe I should have studied more. Maybe I should have focused on the questions more. Maybe I should have worked less. Maybe I should have slept more the night before. Maybe I should have never tried in the first place. At least that way I wouldn’t feel like I wasted years of my life on an unattainable dream.
Now all I can do is shake my head and ask myself, “Now what?”
It’s rare that I find that I’m at a loss for words. But here I am, refusing to write down the words that are going through my mind and shutting down to the rest of the world. At least until I find the strength to pick myself back up.