7 Thoughts I’ve had this Week

I realize that I have neglected my blog and my faithful readers for quite some time now. And I am very, very sorry!

I have been thinking about the next chapter of my life and how I am going to continue writing my story. I will let you all in on my secret plan very soon! But for now, I will give you some of the thoughts I have had over the past week.

1. I realized that I yearn for a successful marriage much more than I yearn for a successful career. Now before everyone gets all feministy on me, let me tell you why I think this is the case. It came as a shock to me when I realized this, as I have always had big career goals for myself. What I realized is that in today’s society, it is so much harder to have a successful marriage than it is to have a successful career. And at the end of the day, your career won’t keep you warm at night. It won’t listen to you vent when life gets to be too much, and it won’t be at your funeral when you die. A successful marriage, in my opinion, means a happy, and successful family which is ultimately what I want. If I die never having a successful marriage and/or a happy family life, I will feel as though much of my life was a waste. If I die never having a successful career, I don’t think I will be as disappointed in myself.

2. If there are multiple people in a “selfie” shouldn’t it be called a “selvsie?”

3. I can’t believe that I’m graduating college in less than two months.

4. What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to pay off my student loans? How can I make money for this damn blog of mine? Will I ever be able to buy my own house?

5. Babies are so much smarter than us.

6. I really wish I knew what my cat is thinking.

7. Why is it so cold out? I packed most of my winter clothes already? I guess I’ll just have to stay home and watch Netflix all day.

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Rushing Through

I am 22 years old and I want too much. I want so much for my life.

I graduate in 3 1/2 months and I have no idea what I’m going to use my degree for. I don’t know what I want to do to make money. But I know what I want to do.

I want to see the world. I want to go to the big cities that make me feel alive. The cities that make me feel right at home. The cities where getting lost doesn’t feel uncomfortable. The cities where my fashion sense can actually be appreciated. The cities where people don’t know your name so you can escape and be totally invisible.

I want to go the small towns that make me feel accepted. The towns that welcome any newcomers. The towns that are so small it’s nearly impossible to get lost. The towns where my fashion sense would make people wonder where I came from. The towns where everybody knows you and won’t let you escape or be invisible.

I want to see everything there is to see. I want to feel the warmth of the sun and a cool breeze through my hair at the same time that someone else is getting snowed on. I want to marvel at the green hills of Ireland and the mountains of Switzerland. I want to share these sights with my family and some day with my children. Because I want them to yearn like I do. With one condition: I want them to feel as though what they are yearning for is within their reach.

I want to own a little bakery that people visit every Sunday. That my kids will have memories of. I want the smell of bread and brownies and cakes bring a flood of memories to people. I want to share my family recipes and love of baking with people who will enjoy it. I want to do the things that I’m too afraid to try.

I want to believe that the things I yearn for are within my reach.

I think about how I have spent the past four years of my life, and I wonder if it was the right thing to do. If it’s right for anyone to do. We’re told we can’t make it in the world anymore without a college degree. So then we shove as many students as we can into colleges and we all come out with degrees. And then we’re told that that degree doesn’t make much of a difference anymore because everyone has one. So what were we doing with those four years then?

Maybe I should have taken my student loan money and used it to see what I want to see. To do what I want to do. Maybe I would have learned more about life and about myself and about failures and success had I not spent four years in a classroom listening to someone tell me what’s important. Maybe they should have told us to figure out for ourselves what is important.

I hope that this doesn’t come off as ungrateful. I have said many times before that I am privileged to go to college and get the education that I have received. All I am saying is that there are plenty of other forms of privilege we should recognize. And plenty of other reasons to feel grateful in our lives.

Most of us come to college at only 19 years old and they tell us we need to decide what we’re going to do with our lives now. 3 months ago, we had to ask if we could use the bathroom but now we’re given that huge responsibility? Why are we always in such a rush? Then we pick a major and we rush along in hopes to graduate on time so that we can rush into the real world to find a job so that we can get into a routine that go through mindlessly every single day. Why do we do that to our young adults? Why do we do that to ourselves?

We only get one life and I’m tired of rushing through mine.

The End is in Sight

Three and a half years ago, I drove to Fort Collins ready to start my college career. I was nervous, scared, sad and excited. I was sad to leave my friends, family and life that I had made for myself. I was excited to meet new people and have adventures. The night before I left I made a playlist called Fort Collins drive. It was 2 1/2 hours of songs that reflected my varying emotions. I tearfully said goodbye to my sisters and my parents followed behind me in a separate car. I cried for about half of the ride.

Today, I drove to Fort Collins ready to start the last semester of my college career. I was nervous, scared, sad and excited. I listened to the same playlist, now 2 hours longer than the original and I cried for about 10 minutes of the ride. This time, there was no one to say goodbye to me, my parents are on a trip and my sisters live elsewhere and already said goodbye a few days ago. The whole time I was home for Winter Break I knew that I would be starting my last semester but it didn’t hit me until a few days ago. I was sitting by myself in my parents’ new house when I got an email that my graduation contract was ready for pick-up… and it hit me. I was about to start my last semester of college. I have no job prospects, no motivation to take the LSAT again, no real plan for the rest of my life and no one to say goodbye to me. Not to mention tens of thousands of dollars of debt. I started to panic.

I move out in exactly four months. I move out of my first apartment. The apartment that I have 3 years of memories of. The apartment where my boyfriend first told me he loved me. The apartment that I brought my first pet home. The apartment where I raged about my last roommate, and welcomed my current roommate. The apartment where I cried about my classes, and celebrated my successes. The apartment where I was able to watch myself grow and change into the person that I am. The apartment that I have made into my home away from home.

Naturally, I start to feel a bit nostalgic every time I think about graduation. I think about receiving my acceptance letter, and attending Freshman Orientation. I think about that first drive up here and all of the others in between. I think about life in the dorms, when making and keeping friends was easy and there was always someone there to give you a hug. I think about my terrible professors and about the great ones. I think about the countless essays I have written, books I have read and all the time I spent procrastinating. I think about the late nights and the lazy mornings. The 8AM classes and the 1AM IHOP runs. I think about the fights, the arguments, disagreements and debates, the tears, the hugs, the triumphs and the failures that I have experienced these past three years. I think about all the times I have spent laughing and all the time I spent wondering, questioning and doubting. Those questions and doubts still find a way to sneak up on me from time to time. Some days, I know how to handle them. Some days, they get the best of me. I have questioned whether or not I deserve to be here. I have questioned whether this is the right path for me. I have questioned if college will be worth it in the end. I have doubted myself, my worth, my ability and my strength. But I have never doubted that I am lucky.  I have never doubted that I have been privileged to be here and to have had the experiences I had. I have never doubted that I should feel honored to get an education, to make friends, to have a roof over my head, a family that supports me, a job, and opportunities.

I still have four more months of memories, laughter, failures and triumphs, questions and doubts. I thank each and every one of my readers. I thank my family and friends, professors and classmates that have made these three and a half years so incredible. Let’s make the last four months just as memorable.

Millennials and Technology

The more I am surrounded by technology, the more I grow to hate it. I am only 22 years old. I am not downplaying the benefits that we have gained from technology. I have the platform that I am using to voice my opinions because of the advancements of technology. Skype, medical advancements and others have given this generation unprecedented access to things that previous generations never would have believed. This is a post about the downfalls of technology.

Romance is on life support in this generation. We have no concept of what it is like to not have the ability to be in constant contact with our significant others. Did you know our parents, met and courted each other without the use of Emojis?? They were forced to find a phone and dial a number that they had memorized and hope that the other person was by their phone and could answer. There were no text arguments or winky faces to try and show your tone. During a date, they did not just pull out their phones when there was a lull in the conversation. They communicated through hand written love letters, phone calls and face-to-face communication. We think that if we are not texting our significant other all day, everyday, they must be mad at us.

There have been multiple studies about how Facebook and social media is actually making us less connected to those around us and more lonely. There are two videos that I absolutely love that talk about this same topic. I deactivated my Facebook for about a month around Thanksgiving. My first thought was: “Now who do I tell that I deactivated?” And I knew I was doing the right thing. I reactivated it to download pictures for a Christmas present and I deleted 100 “friends” from my friends list. I thought that I would miss Facebook and looking at everyone’s pictures. The truth is, I really only missed seeing my out of state family’s pictures and if I really wanted to see them, I could have asked them for copies. I was more surprised by how many people said they were thinking about deactivating too when I told them. We literally have the world at our fingertips, we can have all the knowledge we want because of the internet and we use it for cat videos and memes. And what did I do in my spare time without Facebook? For a while I forgot that the internet even existed other than Netflix. I read a book. An actual book. And I socialized in person more. I finished all my finals ahead of schedule. And I didn’t stare at a screen before and after I fell asleep.

Our use of language has disintegrated to the point that we don’t even want to type out whole words. We are condensed to 140 characters or less and use a symbol that was once used for numbers to smash 18 words into one in order to try and elevate our online status. Our online status is the way we see ourselves in the mirror. We take pictures of ourselves and post them to get likes and delete them if we don’t get any. Rather than our confidence coming from within, it comes from the opinions of people we barely know or even talk to. The amount of texts he sends is not equivalent to the amount of love he has for you. The amount of “friends” you have is not equivalent to the amount of people who genuinely care about you.

Those two videos just point out that we need to balance our time wisely. When you’re interacting with people, put your phone away. When you’re feeling down, try deleting social media sites for awhile. When you’re in a situation that you want to remember and that you want to be present in, don’t ruin it by taking videos and pictures of it. Just be present. Enjoy. Look up!

Playlist of Life

Daily prompt: Put together a a musical playlist of songs that describe your life, including what you hope your future entails. 

1. What are you Doing New Year’s Eve? by Harry Connick Jr.

2. Come Fly with Me by Frank Sinatra

3. True Love by P!nk

4. Close Your Eyes by Michael Buble

5. Keep on Wanting by The Fray

6.  Roar by Katy Perry

7. The Coffee Song by Frank Sinatra

8. The Best is yet to Come by Frank Sinatra

9.  Feelin’ Good by Michael Buble

10. Mama’s Song by Carrie Underwood

11. Look After You by The Fray

12. Run by P!nk

13. Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Ray

14. Save the Last Dance for Me by Michael Buble

15. My Way by Frank Sinatra

Birthday/New Years Reflection

I’ve had a few things on my mind that I believe will be best expressed by writing them down.

First, it’s the time of year when I reflect on my growth over the past year and evaluate whether I’ve changed, for better or for worse. I just celebrated my 22nd birthday and I suddenly felt old. Now, I know that I’m young still, especially in the grand scheme of things. But I feel as though I need to have more figured out about my life at this point. I mean I graduate in 20 weeks (not that I’m counting) and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up! I’ve been looking for jobs and considering what field I want to attempt to enter into in May and I begin to panic a little bit. I have no where near the experience I need for the jobs I really want and yet, no one is willing to give me the experience that I need. I want to stay in Colorado because all of my loved ones are here, but the job market for writing/editing in Denver is slim. Paralegals need even more experience to get a job and my enthusiasm for law school has dropped significantly. What’s a girl to do??

I realized something else right around my birthday that led me to believe that I have truly started growing up. At one time, I prided myself on being able to cut down someone emotionally. I thought I was tough because I had no problem hurting someone’s feelings. And while I am probably still able to do that, I no longer have the desire to. I will absolutely stand up for myself when need be, but I’ve learned how to fight fairly, and productively. I’ve learned that building someone up and focusing on their strengths, feels so much better than tearing someone down and exploiting their weaknesses. I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try, my insecurities will always get the best of me when I’m feeling low. When my mind won’t turn off and I create false dilemmas in my brain, it will always come down to my insecurities. It’s hard to even admit that my insecurities are as powerful as they are. And sure I could play the blame game and say it’s because of Boy X or Bully Y, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. What good does that do? Blaming someone else doesn’t help me get over the insecurities. Putting someone down doesn’t make me any bigger.

I’ve learned that you can never fully appreciate everything your parents do and have done for you until you live on your own and realize that they were right when they said that money, in fact, does not grow on trees. And that a home cooked meal beats going out to dinner any day of the week. I understand now why adults say, “They grow up so fast” just by watching my nephews grow. I’ve learned that sometimes the plans you had for life, don’t work out the exact way you pictured. But that doesn’t mean that you have to give up on them. Sometimes it can act as a way of reevaluating; taking a step back and asking yourself if this is really what you wanted. I’ve learned that the person you love the most, will drive you crazy. They will bring out the best in you, the you that you wish you could be all the time. And they will bring out the worst in you. The you that you don’t even want to admit to being. The selfish, overbearing, clingy, jealous and of course, insecure person that you yourself can’t even stand. And sometimes, hormones or stress just exacerbate the problem. And that if they stay with you when you act that way, you need to remember that when they act that way. That’s what love is. At the end of the day, if you want to be with someone, be with them. And remember, actions speak louder than words, so show them that you want to be with them.

I’ve learned that when we’re growing up we are so focused on ourselves and getting older that we forget that our parents are aging. I think I’ve seen my parents as 40 years old for the past 15 years. Now suddenly, they’re talking about when they get too old to walk up and down stairs everyday and their worsening health problems and for the first time, I find myself worrying about my parents. That’s not to say I never worried about them when I was younger, I just never understood the aging process or the severity of the problems that we face when we get older. I find myself praying for my parents first at night — for their health, their happiness and their financial security, another wish I never knew to wish for when I was younger.

And lastly, I’ve learned that I do not need anyone’s approval but my own. You will never be able to please everyone so don’t even try. I try to think about whether or not my childhood self would be happy with the person I’ve grown up to be. When you’re a child, you have ideas about what you want to look like, who you want to surround yourself with, and who you want to be when you’re a grown up. I am happy with who I am and I’m not hurting anyone in the process and that’s all that matters to me.

Two years already??

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything. Mainly because of the disappointment of my LSAT. I started this blog in hopes of writing every day and maybe inspire some people along the way. The focus eventually turned to pre-law and the struggles I was facing, so when my LSAT turned out the way it did, this blog seemed to be out of place. However, in honor of my blog’s two year anniversary, I’ve decided to post some of my favorite posts from the past two years. And of course, thank you all so much for reading, following and supporting me. I started this blog for fun and never imagined that I would ever get even half of the followers that I have now. Thank you and I send you my love and support as well. I hope I can inspire you and keep you reading. Stay tuned.

(From oldest to newest)

“You are the big, comfy sweater around my heart. You are like sweatpants after a long day of jeans.”

From: Fall

“A year later, I disappointed my dad for the first time in my life (at least on a major scale), which is something that I never wanted to do.   I changed the way people saw me in a not so pleasant way and to be brutally honest, I disappointed myself too.”

From: The Big Two-Oh

“So tonight he got a glimpse of the real deal, he saw a bit more of where I came from and of how we gather together for special occasions. He got to see my dad get all choked up when he made a toast. He said, “20 years ago, we had a baby girl.”

From: I am the Luckiest Girl

“We need to talk about depression more. We need to help those who don’t know how to help themselves. Please talk about it.”

From: Mental Health in America

“His arms were wrapped around me tightly and I felt as though nothing could touch us. We were the only people in the world and all the bad things would just bounce off of us.”

From: Little Moments

“The details that make the two of you you. The details that combine “you” and “me” to make “us.” The details of our hearts combining and falling into mutual love and kindness with each other.”

From: All the Intimate Details

“I was born in the wrong era.”

From: Come Fly with me to the 1950s

“I used to think of it [unconditional love] as, ‘If I gained 50 pounds and my face got horribly disfigured in an accident, would you still love me?’ But lately I’ve been thinking of it more in terms of, ‘If I am an emotional train wreck, ridiculous to handle, weepy all the time, irrationally stressed out and just otherwise bitchy, will you still be able to love me?’”

From: On Unconditional Love

“While waiting for a class response the girl next to me raised her hand and said, ‘I’m graduating in two weeks and I’m really wondering ‘What do I do with my life now?’ So the professor told us to take out a piece of paper and write in present tense where we see ourselves in 50 years. This is what I wrote…”

From: Into the Future

“To be depressed, is to walk around in a world where everyone sees colors except for you. To be depressed is to wish that when you wake up in the morning; that it was all a terrible dream, because this couldn’t possibly be your life.”

From: 30 Day Challenge: Day 5

“I’m still very much in love with you. But I’ve never been so scared. Scared of losing you, scared of loving you too much, scared of accidentally hurting you, just scared.”

From: Why is Being in Love so Terrifying?

“You are doing great things. So treat yourself like you are.”

From: For the Students

“Maybe that’s why it’s called “the American Dream.” Because it truly is a dream, that not everyone will have.”

From: The American Dream

“Fall wraps its arms around me and welcomes me in. Bring your favorite book and a smile, let’s go crunch some leaves. The crisp air awakens my senses and touches my soul.”

From: Fall (The second one)

“Towering over her, like a wall of safety.  She just stopped talking and he kissed the top of her head beneath a canopy of colored leaves and in the middle of campus, with crowds of people around.”

From: Embracing

“We say we are too stressed about working so much but don’t want to cut down on hours because we will lose money for fun things. We think we can do a better job than someone above us but we neither prove ourselves, nor understand what those above us actually do.”

From: The Millennial Generation

“And we certainly don’t learn how to rebuild our lives when everything we’ve worked for ends up being unattainable. I just want to know that what I am doing, will be worth something.”

From: College Today

“In life, it is important to cherish the little things. Sometimes when we don’t, we realize that those are the bigger, more important things.”

From: The Future and Today

“Today I could feel the breakdown coming. I was on the verge of tears all morning. I couldn’t think any positive thoughts. My own thoughts were consuming me. So I decided to do something about it.”

From: Getting Lost

“Tell me when you’re upset. The minute you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you don’t fight, you can’t fix it.”

From: Fight with Me

“I’m tired of being defined by numbers. GPA, test scores, graduation date, etc.”

From: I’m Tired of College

“And here I am, looking up at your boot that is just waiting to come down on me.”

From: College Weakens Me

“Let us experience what life was like in the past and then maybe we could appreciate what our lives are in the present.”

From: Let us Experience

“Let’s revamp the word bossy for our girls instead of banning it.”

From: Revamp ‘Bossy’

“Above all, just write.”

From: For Writers

“I guess I thought that by putting these words onto a screen, they would somehow stop pooling up in my brain.”

From: Is it Over Yet?

“A girl needs her daddy for every major and minor event, for every meltdown, for every celebration.”

From: Why a Girl Needs her Daddy

“And it felt as though someone was holding my dreams in front of me and letting them shatter to the ground with maniacal laughter in the background.”

From: Speechless