The Real World?

I’ve decided that there is absolutely no way to truly prepare anyone for “adulthood” or entering the real world. You go to high school to prepare for college. When you’re in college you’re preparing to get a job, or to go to another school where you will prepare to get a job. And then you’re just done. You’re thrown over the fence where they keep all the hungry, snarling dogs and you wonder if you’re actually going to make it out alive.

When we’re in college we are in a little bubble of essays, and exams and eating bad food because that’s all we can afford. And then we are no longer in our bubble. We don’t get to stick our foot in the water and see how it feels. We don’t get to step outside and then quickly come back in. Nope, we are catapulted from our nice, comfortable bubble and told “Good luck” and “Congratulations!” And we’re supposed to just know what to do.  The problem is, we’ve been in schools our whole lives, supposedly preparing for this moment. While we were in those schools we were too busy filling out scantrons and cramming for tests and just trying to make it through the busy week that we didn’t have time to take a step back and really ask what are purpose is in doing all of this? And to ask, “Do I actually feel ready to go into the real world?” “Will the fact that I aced this test mean a damn thing to my future employer?” Or maybe the most important question we can ask ourselves is “Is this really how I want to spend my life?”


Is this really how I want to spend my life?

I just turned in the last essay I will write in my college career. And while it feels as though a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I also feel a little heavy hearted.

My relationship with writing has been tumultuous at times. And over the past four years, I have questioned why I am doing this, if I’m any good at it, and more importantly, if I care whether I’m good or not? I have beaten my head against the table trying to reach page limits or word limits or works cited. And I have laid my head down on the same table, just trying to write the words that I was too afraid to say aloud.

Writing has been the bane of my existence and the saving grace in my life. 

And now, I am no longer forced to write. I have no more assignments that require my voice to come through or my thoughts to have some sort of cohesion to them. I have thrown essays away when I saw the grade, only to fish them out later and have a conversation with the teacher. As angry as I was that they could dare give me lower than an A on a essay, those are the teachers I learned the most from. They helped me improve; and more importantly, they humbled me. My writing is better because of the teachers that pissed me off.

The last post for this blog is already being drafted. I find myself having to stop and take breaks to make sure I am really saying what I want to say. I also take breaks to keep from having too many emotions escape. I never thought that I would fall in love with writing the way that I have. 

Pen and paper will always listen. Even if you don’t think you need to talk. When tears come streaming down my face, I turn to pen and paper. Pen and paper will catch your falling tears.

I don’t think I ever fully realized my love for writing until now. When life breaks my heart, or the LSAT breaks me down, I write. And I let myself feel. Even when I reread posts like that I can feel a lump in my throat and a tear forming in my eyes. But that’s what you need to do. That is why I write.

I don’t think I am so passionate about the written word until someone tries to devalue or belittle it. Until someone says, “English, what are you going to do with that degree?!” And even though I know what the job market looks like, I continue to defend my decision and I still believe I made the right choice. Because despite the lack of appreciation for writers and a beautifully composed, emotional piece of writing, I fell in love with writing because of my degree. Despite all our ups and downs, I fell in love with writing.

Your writing voice is the deepest possible reflection of who you are. The job of your voice is not to seduce or flatter or make well-shaped sentences. In your voice, your readers should be able to hear the contents of your mind, your heart, your soul.

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7 Thoughts I’ve had this Week

I realize that I have neglected my blog and my faithful readers for quite some time now. And I am very, very sorry!

I have been thinking about the next chapter of my life and how I am going to continue writing my story. I will let you all in on my secret plan very soon! But for now, I will give you some of the thoughts I have had over the past week.

1. I realized that I yearn for a successful marriage much more than I yearn for a successful career. Now before everyone gets all feministy on me, let me tell you why I think this is the case. It came as a shock to me when I realized this, as I have always had big career goals for myself. What I realized is that in today’s society, it is so much harder to have a successful marriage than it is to have a successful career. And at the end of the day, your career won’t keep you warm at night. It won’t listen to you vent when life gets to be too much, and it won’t be at your funeral when you die. A successful marriage, in my opinion, means a happy, and successful family which is ultimately what I want. If I die never having a successful marriage and/or a happy family life, I will feel as though much of my life was a waste. If I die never having a successful career, I don’t think I will be as disappointed in myself.

2. If there are multiple people in a “selfie” shouldn’t it be called a “selvsie?”

3. I can’t believe that I’m graduating college in less than two months.

4. What am I going to do with my life? How am I going to pay off my student loans? How can I make money for this damn blog of mine? Will I ever be able to buy my own house?

5. Babies are so much smarter than us.

6. I really wish I knew what my cat is thinking.

7. Why is it so cold out? I packed most of my winter clothes already? I guess I’ll just have to stay home and watch Netflix all day.

I Believe In Love

I Believe In Love

If I could paint a picture of modern love, it would be a portrait of turmoil, technology, insecurities and a raging hurricane of emotions. The portrait of modern love is disconnected and roughly sketched. The portrait of love is no longer a masterpiece.

We are in a world where we decide whether or not we could date someone by looking at a single picture and swiping left or right on a screen. We are forced to sum up who we are and why we are worthy in two sentences or less. We think that all of this technology is acting as a connector, but all it is doing is deepening gaps between us.

We are forced to have arguments through text messages. We are so worried about getting our message sent first that we do not even take time out of our rapid thumbing to stop and think about whether this “fight” is productive. We mistake the tone of a text message and only further exacerbate the problem. We cannot even be bothered to have face to face conversations anymore.

When we do sit across from each other and are forced to look into each other’s eyes we can’t even focus for long enough to be content with the silence between us before we are checking our social media apps or sending a text message.

We are hyper aware and insecure because of this supposed connectedness. We can see that our significant other was looking at an ex’s profile or sent them a text and we instantly assume the worst. “Why would you need to look at their page?” “If you have nothing to hide let me see your phone.” “Why didn’t you ‘like’ the picture I put up?” This constant lack of privacy is killing our confidence and our relationships.

Modern love is locked with passwords and fingerprints.

We are in a world where things are easily broken. And even more easily replaced. Modern love does not get repaired; it gets replaced. Too often now we are too lazy to fight for love because we think it is easy to find. Modern love is taken for granted, just like the technology we are so obsessed with. In most cases, we don’t know what it is like to truly miss someone. We have the ability to be in constant communication. We have the ability to look at a webpage and see what our love is doing, how they’ve been and who they’re with. We have lost the ability to truly miss the presence of another being – because even when they’re physically there, mentally they’re elsewhere, lost in the world of technology.

In preparation for this essay I asked what modern love meant on Facebook. The majority of the answers were pessimistic and hopeless. I got responses that love is dead, love does not exist and no one can commit to one person for their rest of their life. And the few positive responses I received were deemed as biased because that person was or is in love.

The response that seemed to resonate with most people however was “There is no such thing as ‘old-fashioned’ love stories anymore. The dynamics have changed. Love is finding someone who lets you be an individual who is part of the bigger team; it’s two incomes, sometimes two houses. It takes a lot of hard work and support on both sides of the couple, whatever that couple may look like.”

Recently I watched a video of my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary party. I could still see the love in their eyes as they looked at each other. A family friend made a speech and told how beautiful my grandmother was at her wedding and my grandfather loudly stated, “She still is!”

My grandmother stood up and said “50 years ago my husband didn’t think it was manly enough to wear a wedding ring, today he is going to wear one. With this ring, I thee wed” and she placed the ring on his finger for the first time in their 50 year marriage. It is amazing that after all these years we are still trying to decide what is “manly” or “womanly” in a relationship. My grandfather then said, “Ann was a very special girl. I won’t say it was love at first sight, but it was awful close. Not a day goes by that we don’t say to each other ‘I love you’ several times.”

Towards the end of the video, I really learned what modern love means. My grandmother said, “Our kids are always most important. But we decided when we got married that we would be important too. So he has always been my first priority and I was his. The marriage makes the family, and when the base is strong, the hard times don’t seem as important as the good times.”

Modern love is not irreparable.

Modern love just needs a little bit of TLC. 

Modern love needs the TLC that can be found in the courage of a gay couple; the TLC that can be found in the strength of a single mother; the TLC that can be found in the patience of our best teachers; and in the hope of a military spouse and the TLC that can be found in the sincerity of a 50 year marriage;

Modern love needs to look passed the cynicism and the tragedies and the despair of the world around us. We need a healthy dose of hope and optimism before we can move past the era of meaningless “hook-ups.” Instead why don’t we hook up our souls? And work through the awkward silences without escaping them with our phones. We need to look deeply into each other’s eyes in a face-to-face conversation and show each other that we are not afraid to care. Maybe the one who cares the most is not the one with all the power. Maybe love should not have a focus of power.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious.” We hear the same clichéd personifications and descriptions of love our whole lives. Isn’t it about time that we redefine love? Love needs to be put into terms that the future generation can learn from.

Love is difficult. True love is not easy to find. Love is missing someone in the afternoon when we just want their presence in the room. Love is sharing the last cup of coffee in the morning. Love is leaving your phone at home when it is time to go on a date. Love is surprising your partner with little reminders that they are loved; a sticky note on the mirror, a text message to wake up to, a warm hug at the end of the day. Love knows no gender, race, or income level.

In my lifetime I have witnessed multiple wars, bombings on the streets, mass shootings and epidemics. Love is having someone to talk to and watch the news with and be thankful for. Love is having someone to hold you and protect you. Love is having someone to comfort you when the world is a seemingly uncomfortable place.

Sometimes love comes to us as a disguise. Love first came to me in the form of the written word. After my high school love broke me down, words were there to pick me up. And then love came to me from a boy in my residence hall. A boy who accepts my weirdness. Who does not belittle me or quiet my voice. He never tells me that I am too sensitive or too wishy-washy, too harsh or too cold. He accepts the woman that I am and for that I accept the man that he is. Modern love needs the ability for mutual vulnerability.

Modern love does not only accept your flaws, insecurities and downright ugliness but it embraces them with open arms. Modern love means learning to love every bit of yourself before you can ever truly learn to love another.

We need to think back to the times when people were forced to write down their thoughts and their feelings for someone. It took time and money to send letters across the world. Constant communication was impossible. We get impatient if someone takes too long to text message us. Modern love needs to learn patience and understanding. We aren’t patient enough to stick around long enough to see if we could really be with someone for life. We need to be patient enough to actually listen when there is a problem so that the problem gets fixed rather than just ignored.

We need to move passed the awkward moments, the times when we feel uncomfortable and the times where we wonder if someone else would be easier to deal with. We need to fight for love so that our children have a better outlook on romance than our generation does. We need to feel things we don’t want to feel. And learn to be comfortable with silence and emotion. We need to be brave enough to risk getting hurt and possibly losing it all.

Maybe modern love is just making someone your top priority in a world that is constantly trying to tell us how to prioritize and what we should believe. Maybe “modern” love is not much different from any other kind of love. If love is truly timeless then it should persevere. Despite turmoil, technology, insecurities and a raging hurricane of emotions. I believe in love. Love is not dead. Love does in fact, exist. Love just needs a little bit of TLC.

I cherish your body ;)

I cherish your body.

I deeply, deeply cherish your body.

I cherish your dark, sultry eyes. The eyes that seem to see right through me. The eyes that see my beauty even when mine do not. The eyes that show the depth of your soul. In your eyes I can every emotion. I can see every bit of sorrow and every bit of joy; every bit of passion and every bit of anger; every bit of happiness and every bit of stress. I can see every bit of the love you have when I truly look into your eyes.

I cherish your big, strong arms. The arms that hold me up. The arms that shelter me; that make me invincible. Your arms have force fields that shield me from the outside world’s negativity and pain. Your arms act as my home.

I cherish your tough, broad hands. The hands that reach out for me during hard times. The hands that wipe my tears from my face. The hands that show me that I am not alone. When you grab my hand I know that we are in this together. I know that you are here for me. And I know that there will always be a hand to reach for and to help me up when I fall.

I cherish your enormous, generous, and kind heart. The heart that allowed for me to come into your life. The heart that showed my heart what it is like to be loved. The heart that gives me love every single day. The heart that tells your mind and your mouth exactly what to say. The heart that cares about every single person more than I could ever imagine. The heart that makes me want to be a better me, for you.

And if I am lucky enough to grow old and gray with you I will still cherish your body.

I will still cherish your dark and knowing eyes that seem to see right through me.

I will still cherish your weak, and thinning arms that hold me up and protect me.

I will still cherish your dry and wrinkly hands that show me that I am not alone.

And I will still cherish your enormous, generous and kind heart  that makes me want to be a better me, for you.

Murky Crystals

Sometimes when one aspect of your life is murky and unclear, another one becomes crystal clear. 

Lately I have been much too calm about my life. A calm before a storm. I am worried that I have been so focused on trying to get into law school for the past four years that I am burning myself out before I even get there. I feel like the process stresses me out so much that I am slowly losing my passion for something that I have devoted my life to for so long. 

So what part of my life is becoming clearer?

Well, almost everything else. My relationship has never been better. I know who my true friends are and my family is supportive and loving. Maybe this calm before the storm is what it takes for me to focus on something, anything else than law school. It has been this omnipresent being in my life for so long that it has almost consumed me. And while I still panic at the thought of not getting in, it’s for a different reason. It is mainly because I will have wasted so much time and energy on a “pipe dream” and I will be back at square one in the sense that I won’t know what exactly to do with my life. And while that may be frightening, I do not necessarily think of it as a crisis anymore. Because everything else is going so well. 

And while part of me may be thinking that this is all too good to be true considering it is going so well, the other part of me is saying, “Enjoy it. And enjoy the rest of your life.” And that’s what I plan to do. 

Fight with me

Fight with me. Show me that you care. Lock us both in a room and don’t let either of us leave until it’s settled. Really settled. To the point where we will never repeat the same fight twice. Tell me when I mess up. Tell me when you’re upset. The minute you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you don’t fight, you can’t fix it. Put in the effort to improve this. Make me own up to my mistakes, my failures, my insecurities. I will do the same for you because I want this to work. I want us to be our best selves in this relationship but we can’t do that if we don’t fight sometimes. Make me understand what makes you mad. Help me understand where I can improve.

Too many relationships of all kinds I have given up fighting for. Because I didn’t care enough. I didn’t want to put in the energy and the effort to fight. I didn’t want to lose face because I had already lost faith. I don’t want to ever give up on you or on us so show me that you won’t either. Don’t be afraid to be mad at me. When someone you care so much about is truly upset with you it is humbling. Just not so mad that you leave.

Fight fairly. Don’t bring up past issues, insecurities or low blows. Fight with a purpose. Communicate. Even when it’s uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal is simply getting everything out and if you live bitterly, you live a lonely existence. 

When one door closes…

It’s amazing what some time and sleep can do. And a lot of hugs.

Two days ago, I was not doing very well emotionally.

And then yesterday was a good day. And today, I feel like I’m falling in love all over again, without ever having to fall out of love.

And I couldn’t have done it if you didn’t let me go.

If you didn’t call me and tell me that it was over. Or continue to try and break my heart. Or walk out so completely unexpectedly.

If you didn’t change things so drastically, I never would have known exactly what I deserve.

If you didn’t give me a reason to stop trusting everyone, if you didn’t make me cry so many times, or make me feel so insecure, I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be in a good relationship. One where I don’t have to wonder, or cry, or feel insecure.

If you didn’t walk out of my life, the right person might never have walked in.

Thank you so much.

You made it possible for the best thing to ever happen to me, to actually happen.

Life is funny like that I guess. And the best thing is, I’m happier now than you could have ever made me.